Graveside Musings
by Jen89
Summary: Pretty much what it says in the title. Landon's thoughts as he goes to the cemetery to see Jamie's grave. Told from Landon's point of view.


**Disclaimer: A Walk to Remember and its characters are not mine. Don't own them, never will.**

_This is my first attempt at 'A Walk to Remember' story. It's written from Landon's point of view. Hope it's alright._

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**Graveside Musings.**

I walk along the path in the cemetery, the brown leaves crunching under my feet, and shiver as the wind dances across the exposed skin on my arm. I pull my coat on as I walk, hoping to ward off the chill as I approach the spot.

As solemn as the occasion should be, I cannot help but feel a little bit of happiness at being in this place again. It holds more memories than perhaps is normal for a graveyard. I smile to myself as I recall sitting on a blanket in this very cemetery with you with your back against my chest as I held you and listened to the sound of your breathing while we watched the stars.

Now I'm here under completely different circumstances. Circumstances which did not even enter my mind as a possibility on that night.

Good memories mix with the bad within my body until I hardly know what I'm feeling. Loss, happiness, grief, gratitude, sadness and love swirl around inside me, merging to create an emotion that is utterly soul-destroying yet strangely uplifting.

Finally I reach it. I look down and there you are. Your name carved in stone for all to see.

I feel the moment should be marked somehow but with no band to play poignant music and nobody else around to witness it, it passes. I look around the cemetery and wherever I look I cannot see anybody else. I don't like the idea of you being alone. Although it appears that there has been someone else here recently. There are some fresh flowers on your grave which were not there yesterday when I came. I'm guessing your father was here. I bend down to read the italicised script on the inside of the card.

_Jamie, I love you. Forever in my heart. Love Dad._

Heartfelt and to the point. Just like him. Just like you. And I used to wonder where you got it from.

There are so many qualities that I saw in you that I realise must have come from him. Just like you he has been supportive, kind and helped me through when I thought my life had hit rock bottom. When you left his heart must have been breaking too, but he was there to pull me through the days after your death. He helped organise your funeral, was there when I needed somebody to understand how shattering losing you was, he didn't give up on me, just as you never did.

Above all the other wonderful things about you, I will always remember your intense faith. Another trait which must have come from your father. I marvelled whenever you spoke of your religion. You were so sure, so happy and so proud of it that I was amazed. You had the kind of utter conviction in the existence of a God that I did not have when deciding what kind of sandwich to buy for my dinner. Pickle or cheese? Ham or tuna? I could never decide on the little things let alone the major things in life.

You, however, you never had a moment's doubt on something as important as religion, something that could change the way you live your life and you never lost your faith for a second.

You were amazing.

Looking back, I wonder how I could have ever viewed you with anything less than adoration.

When I first saw you we were only children. You were sat alone, drawing, almost drowning in a sweater several sizes too large for a smaller than average five year old. The tilt of your head as you carefully selected a colour, the smile as the lines you made on the page turned into the shapes you wanted, I should have known you were different, that you were special.

I barely noticed you though; I thought you weren't worth my notice. You were nobody to me. Knowing what I do now I wish I had gone over to you and spoken to you. If I had then I would have had longer with you. There is nothing that I regret more than those missed opportunities, those wasted years.

When I finally did get to know you everything changed. For the first time in my life I knew what I wanted. I wanted you and it scared me so much. You weren't the kind of woman I had grown up believing I would end up with. You were of a different class altogether. The social queens I had dated and assumed I would end up marrying were nothing like you. I was so scared you wouldn't want me. After all, if I was their type, how could I be yours as well? But then you did want me and I was blissfully, totally content with my life.

When you told me that you had leukaemia my world fell apart.

I couldn't take it in. I just could not make my brain understand the words. There must be some sort of mistake. It couldn't be true. I remember babbling something at you about you being too young, too perfect to have cancer.

As you ran away from me I made a decision. I was not going to waste a single minute that could be spent with you. I was going to make the most of whatever time we had left. I believe it was then that the idea first came into my head. I was going to make you my wife. I didn't care that we were young or that people would think we were crazy, I just knew that I wanted to marry you.

A few weeks later, when you said yes to my proposal, I felt completely satisfied with my life. I was going to marry the most beautiful, wonderful woman I had ever met and I was happy. I gave no thought to how much time we would have, just that we would have time together.

You and me. Jamie and Landon. Husband and Wife. No matter how often I think about it, it will always send shivers of joy through my body.

I would say I don't know where I'd be without you but that wouldn't be true. I know exactly what would have become of me if you hadn't been there, I just don't like it. I would be mixed up in all kinds of things, things that I don't even want to think about. I might even have been in jail. Without you I would have wasted my life. Without you I would have looked back in fifty years time and despised myself for the things that I had done, and for the things that I hadn't. Because of you I now feel that my life means something, that I was put on Earth for a reason and not just to wait for death, amusing myself anyway I could in the meantime.

I've said it before and I'm sure that I'll say it again. You saved me Jamie, you really did. It might seem dramatic but it's the only way I can think of to phrase it. You saved me. And words cannot express how grateful I am to you for that. You did more in your few short years on this planet than many others could do in eighty years.

You burnt with the brilliance of a supernova, radiating heat and light into the lives of those around you and making the whole world more dazzlingly bright during the short time you were in it.

I wish you could have been here longer. But I would not have liked to have seen your optimism and kind-heartedness dulled by the awful experiences of this world.

I will never forget you for as long as I live. Nor will anybody who has ever been in contact with you. I think that is the most amazing thing a person can achieve in their lifetime. To be remembered and loved after we are gone is a wonderful thing. To leave our stamp on the world and to be kept forever in the hearts of the people who love us. And you were loved, Jamie. You still are.

Jamie, you were my love, my friend, my saviour and my guardian angel. I love you. There's really nothing else to say. As much as I hate to go, I will leave you now but I'll be back soon, I promise.

Sleep now, sweetheart. You deserve your rest.


End file.
